About a month ago something happened that made me sad. The details of the incident are not important, suffice to say that it left a void in my life that would not be filled in hurry. The first couple of weeks were tough. My closest friends knew what I was going through but to the rest of the world I was perfectly normal. I got out of bed each day, saw to my kids, logged in to work, and everything looked fine. But the whole time my sadness hung over me like a dark cloud.
Why am I bringing it up now? Because I believe there are lessons to be learnt in every experience and I did learn a few. A couple of years ago I discovered Stoicism and I found the philosophy behind it very interesting. Without dwelling too much on the principles I’ll simply quote one of the greats; Marcus Aurelius himself, “A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it.” This mindset is based on the exercise called Amor Fati, or to make the best of everything that happens no matter what.
So, as I lay in bed wondering, “why me?” these little thoughts started to creep up telling me to find the silver lining. Of course, the first thought that came to mind was that this was great fodder for a blog post 😉 But beyond that I started to notice something else. I was sad, but I was not unhappy. I was still able to find the small joys in life, to genuinely smile at my children, and to laugh with my friends. Yes, I was sad, I still am, but I didn’t fall apart. I continue to live and live fully. I still have fun, I’m meeting new people, making new friends, and having new experiences.
I learnt that I could be sad about one thing and still be happy about everything that was good in my life. I would like to think that this took courage and strength on my path, but in truth, I believe that everyone has it within themselves to feel a whole range of emotions all at once. Some emotions, especially negative ones can be all-consuming at times, but it is in our basic nature to survive and overcome. You can lose someone and miss them, but still be happy in the presence of other people whom you love, you could lose your job and feel insecure, but still feel good about a friend’s promotion. I believe that we have all be given the ability to not be completely overwhelmed by one emotion, at least not for a prolonged period.
Another lesson I learned is that sadness is not a bad thing. We feel sad when we no longer have something that made us happy, something that we were used to, something that made us feel safe. Loss is never easy but as the old adage goes – ‘It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.’ And it is the little bumps in the road (or even the big ones), that make us appreciate the good bit even more. How mundane and boring it would be to only feel happy all the time. It would just become the new normal and lose its appeal rather quickly.
Our highs can only be highs if we reach them from somewhere lower. And perhaps, and I say this without judgement; we sometimes need a little slap in the face when we get too ahead of ourselves. Bumps make us slow down and reexamine things, we try to find what went wrong and work on making improvements. We also take a closer look at the path we’re on and might even realise that we’re a bit lost. Things not going as we expected could very well help us to find our way all over again.
Negative emotions are uncomfortable, but we are stronger than we think we are. It’s safe to feel what we’re feeling and to acknowledge what we are going through. We won’t fall apart, or at least we shouldn’t. If you are sad, or insecure, or angry, you can do what I do – write a blog post. Okay no, I’m just kidding. You can if you want to, but what really works is making a gratitude list. Just be thankful for all the good things; the good people, the good memories, and even all the good that is going to come into your life. Everyday you will feel a little better and soon you won’t feel so bad.
Jacqueline Tellis 